A LOVE LETTER FROM THE GRAVE FROM A MOTHER
I know how much you loved flowers – my mother, my mum, my friend. Thank you for yours.
My world fell apart when you died. It's that feeling of wanting to hold on to the immortality we feel a parent has, should have and must have. Yet, in those final weeks of your life, I was torn between wanting you just to 'be there' and desperate for your suffering to end.
Having a mum – it's a luxury. You were unconditional and compassionate. Always on my side, a cheerleader for life. When I was around 10, you said I'd write a book… (I did). You told me I was a 'right one' for fighting injustice – in your gentle Yorkshire accent. Seems you were right.
When I started to uncover real crime and injustice in Israel, it was you who were my advocate. You kept persuading, cajoling and encouraging me not to give up. Sure, I'd lost my own husband, but you were so sure that it was all for a bigger purpose.
“You've a computer packed full of data – you can't waste it. Maybe you can do something which will help someone else.” You were right. I'm not sure I helped anyone yet, but I was inspired and encouraged enough to try.
Losing a mum? It's a strange word is loss. For since you died you are still with me in my heart. You do pop in from time to time and I can feel your love, and sense your words. You are not on 'tap' like you were when you were alive, yet you are somehow with me even more on a spiritual level. You were always the person I called – and then got on with my day. Now in my everyday life you are there when I think of you.
Wow Mum, I got a letter from you! Words cannot express what it was like to open my emails and see that you had prepared a letter for all of us before you died, not to be read until your house was sold.
As always, you came in the nick of time. Down to my last penny, you came through yet again, and there was a letter from you. My heart leapt, and the tears flowed. The last line in your letter was - ''think of me and I'll be there.”
I was thinking of you..every day you came to mind. I was wondering what you would say about my last year in Israel. Would you approve? Would you worry? Would you finally ask me to stop with what I'm doing?
And there it was – in black and white. Your answer. You wrote how proud of me you were from an early age – my fight against injustice everywhere. You answered my questions just as I was beginning to wonder how long I could continue. Your blessing - that despite all the detractors, and those who don't want to believe, or want to shoot the messenger - I'm still doing the right thing.
Oh Mum, how many people would wish for a chance to communicate just once more with their mother after she has gone? And here it was, the communication I would have wished for on the phone – just one more chance to speak with you. It was a kiss from the grave. A letter of love and inspiration, just like you always did when I saw you.
I miss your arms around me, making me feel safe Mum. I miss the uncompromising trust in me that I never had to question yet often took for granted in some way. Too many times in this world have people made promises they didn't keep, or broken friendships I thought were true. It was you I turned to, and you constantly reassured me that I WAS loveable and worth it. I think we all need a parent to remind us we are just perfect as we are.
I have so many friends who have lost a parent, and no matter how old we become the sense of being an orphan is a sense of being inconsolable deep inside.
I wanted to be a mum like you. I want my own children to feel the same unconditional cheer- leading support you gave me. I also want the newborn babies to know their mum and their dad – just as I did. That is what continues to drive me on.
I'm not sure Mum, I am as good as you thought I was, but I won't let you down. I'll keep on.
Thank you from the bottom of my heart for my letter. It came as always 'just in time' and just as I wrote the first book inspired by you, I will try the second book knowing that it was you who provide just enough money and more than enough love to inspire me again.
All my love
Yes – I will think of you, and you WILL be there, and you always are. So this one is for you. My last love letter to you.